I would tell the Democrats in Washington who are trying to be civil with the "bipartisanship" to please stop and let the joker die once and for all, let the agents of chaos hit the pavement, stop picking them up.

The handful of corporations that own most of the media outlets have an interest in reflecting establishment views.

Sex is the quickest way to ruin a friendship.

I don't even know why somebody's Twittering as me. I don't understand it, and I wish that it would stop. But there's nothing that can be done. It's so terrible.

Sometimes the critics review me harshly for not being critical of government but it's not me who has said I was political.

There's no reason to be doing comedy during the day in a hot tent. I don't know why anyone thinks it's a good idea, but festival after festival keeps doing it. I did see some of the other comedians struggling.

There's been times when I have actually had sex indoors. And then you kind of sober up a little when it's over. I become like a bartender at 2 AM. OK, people, let's move it out! Yeah, you don't have to go home but you can't stay here.