Only men you can count on these days are Ben and Jerry.

I'd kiss you, but you smell like a gym bag.

I had an alarm, I had nerve gas, I had a yogurt. What more could anyone want?

I always wanted to eat with a Negro,” Grandma said. Yeah, well I always wanted to eat with a boney- assed old white woman,” Lula said. “So I guess this works out good.

God's a busy guy. He don't have time to micromanage. What are the chances he heard that? It's early in the morning. He's probably having breakfast with Mrs. God.

Last time you called me late at night you were naked and chained to your shower curtain rod. I hope this isn't going to be disappointing.

Do you have someone watching her house?” (Stephanie) “That kind of surveillance only happens in the movies. We’re so underbudgeted we’re one step away from holding bake sales to pay for toilet paper. (Morelli)