Corporations complained about [safety] regulations, but let's face it, people walk away from accidents now that would have killed them when I was a kid

The United States have developed a new weapon that destroys people but it leaves buildings standing. It's called the stock market.

President Obama's been reaching out to Iran, reaching out to Cuba, reaching out to Latin America. The only place he can't seem to be able to reach out to: Texas. ... Despite Governor Rick Perry talking about how Texas could secede from the Union if it wanted to, 75 per cent of the people who live there want to stay in the United States. Of course they want to stay. I mean, after spending all that time and effort sneaking across the border to get here, why would they want to leave?

In the spirit of the Olympic Games, they traditionally ask that all fighting and warfare around the world stop. So, there's hope for a ceasefire within the Jackson family.

Today the United States has admitted that after months and months of searching, we still have no idea where Osama bin Laden is. Osama bin Laden? We can't even find Kenneth Lay.

More and more details coming out now about spoiled rich kid Osama bin Laden. Time reports this week he was one of 52 kids. Mother must be exhausted. This guy inherited $80 million at age 13 and has since expanded it to $300 million through construction, smart investments and gas and oil investments. This way, he can use the money in his war against capitalism.

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said this week there's a good chance we never get bin Laden. bin Laden! We couldn't even get O.J.!