Sarah Palin has revealed she has tried marijuana, but she did not like it. You know, it's amazing: 200 million Americans have smoked marijuana. The only ones who don't like it seem to be elected officials. Ever notice that?

Today the Secretary of State said that of the 247 candidates, so far 115 of them have been certified. How embarrassing is that? Imagine if you were turned down because you didn't meet the high standards set by Larry Flynt and Gallagher.

Changing the story until you believe it.

Kerry was here in Los Angeles. He was courting the Spanish vote by speaking Spanish. And he showed people he could be boring in two languages.

Today the United States has admitted that after months and months of searching, we still have no idea where Osama bin Laden is. Osama bin Laden? We can't even find Kenneth Lay.

It's fun when you're driving, and people wave at you, and you wave back. I think you either like people or you don't. I mean, I don't want to put on sunglasses. That's why I'm in show business.

For the first time in history, sex is more dangerous than the cigarette afterward.