Donald Trump says that he will not run for president. You know why? He can't find his birth certificate.

There's this big pie in show business, and you physically can't eat the whole pie. If you give everybody a slice of pie, you will still have more than enough. The real trick is not to try to get the whole pie, but to keep the biggest slice.

The Taliban has asked Osama bin Laden to voluntarily leave the country.They said they delivered him a note asking him to leave, which is a pretty goodtrick considering they claim they don't even know where he is.

President-elect Barack Obama is starting to get an idea of just how hard his new job is going to be. Today, he said he wanted to bring a sense of accountability to Washington. I think they realized actual accountability, never going to happen.

The Globe reports that North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il raises money by selling fake Viagra pills. What it is about this guy? None of his missiles seem to launch.

CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq into three parts: regular, premium and unleaded.

The lead story on MSNBC was the news that there was nothing new to report in the Gary Condit story. So remember when there is nothing new to report, MSNBC will be the station not to report it first.