Ratings for the XFL are so low that pretty soon they'll be able to address the viewers by name.

We ought to thank President Bush. He made it a lot easier for people to do taxes this year. No job, no income tax this year.

Two Americans have been awarded the Nobel Prize for Economics. They are the first to figure out all the charges on their telephone bill.

Jesse Jackson also said he thought Barack Obama was talking down to black people by lecturing them on things like fatherhood and being a responsible husband. Jesse thought it was insulting, not only to him, but to his former mistress and their love child.

Do you know who will be in charge of health care? The IRS. You thought getting audited was bad? Wait until your next prostate exam.

The big question now is who will take power in Afghanistan once the Taliban is defeated. I was thinking, how about Al Gore? He's not doing anything, he needs a job, and he's already got the beard.

Financial experts are saying we are entering a new chapter in the American economy. I believe it's Chapter 11.