Today the United States has admitted that after months and months of searching, we still have no idea where Osama bin Laden is. Osama bin Laden? We can't even find Kenneth Lay.

In America, we like everyone to know about the good work we're doing anonymously.

Scientists believe that monkeys can be taught to think, lie and even play politics within their community. If we can just teach them to cheat on their wives we can save millions on congressional salaries.

A survey has shown that the average man has had sex in a car 15 times. Something to keep in mind next time you're looking for a used car.

Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!

Happiness is a privilege.

Ashcroft went on to say that our way of life is being threatened by a group of radical religious fanatics who are armed and dangerous. And then he called for prayers in the schools and an end to gun control.