John Kerry went hunting today. He said he killed a goose. He didn't bring Teresa along because he was a little rusty and he was afraid he might kill the goose that laid the golden egg.

Bill Clinton is the only ex-president who hasn't planned his own funeral. But, in his defense, in the past he has said he wants to be buried next to Hillary. I guess he figures he never slept next to her when they were alive, might as well try it now that they're dead.

Having a life is easy. Having a career is hard to come by.

If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet.

As Miss America, my goal is to bring peace to the entire world and then get my own apartment.

John Kerry went hunting today. He said he killed a goose. He didn't bring Teresa along because he was a little rusty and he was afraid he might kill the goose that laid the golden egg.

I was in the ROTC. Of course, ROTC stood for "Running off to Canada."