For the first time ever, overweight people outnumber average people in America. Doesn't that make overweight the average then? Last month you were fat, now you're average - hey, let's get a pizza!

In Chicago some anti-Mitt Romney protesters told reporters they're being paid to protest. They said they're being paid by Democrats to stand outside and chant anti-Romney slogans. Well, who says President Obama isn't creating any new jobs?

As they do every year, al-Qaida has threatened to disrupt and ruin Christmas. You know, we already have a group that disrupts and ruins Christmas every year. They're called relatives.

President Obama released his tax returns. It turns out he made $900,000 less in 2011 then he did in 2010. You know what that means? Even Obama is doing worse under President Obama.

When they said "Make love, not war" at Woodstock, they never imagined that one would become as dangerous as the other.

First there's the promise ring, then the engagement ring, then the wedding ring... soon after... comes Suffer...ring!

If I could ask Ken Lay one question right now, do you know what it would be? "Does the Devil really wear Prada?"