When you do late-night TV, you do different jokes in the same place every night. When you're on the road as a comedian, you do the same jokes in a different place every night.

At the airport if you refuse to be patted down, they arrest you. And what's the first thing they do when they arrest you? They pat you down.

There are over 30 doctors running for the US Congress this year. That's going to be rather strange. Half the time these folks will be playing God and asking women to take their clothes off and the other half the time they will be doctors.

The first lady said about her husband, 'I could take up a whole afternoon talking about his failures.' And today she was offered her own show on Fox News.

It looks like President Obama has a new campaign slogan: 'Yes I Did.'

Six women have come forward that say Arnold Schwarzenegger groped them without their consent. This proves he would be a hands-on governor.

We are in a code orange. Homeland Security said earlier today that everyone should have a roll of duct tape and plastic sheeting to protect your house in event of terrorist attacks. Who came up with this idea? MacGyver?