This is a strange country we live in. When it comes to electing a President, we get two choices. But when we have to select a Miss America, we get 50.

Ann Landers said that you are addicted to sex if you have sex more than 3 times a day, and that you should seek professional help. I have news for Ann Landers: The only way I am going to get sex 3 times a day is if I seek professional help.

Corporations complained about [safety] regulations, but let's face it, people walk away from accidents now that would have killed them when I was a kid

President Obama gave a big speech on climate change. He believes global warming is getting worse because apparently he's sweating a lot more during his second term

They had so much rain in New York that a lot of the cabbies had their first shower in years.

Political experts are saying the reason John Kerry is doing so well is because he's 'electable.' Hey, so was Al Gore - in fact, he even got elected and it didn't help him at all.

The other day the plane that Barack Obama was on had some mechanical difficulties and was forced to land. Well, the National Transportation Safety Board did an inspection on the plane, and you know what they found? The bolts on the plane were fine, but apparently Jesse Jackson had taken some of the nuts off.