If Arnold is elected, you know who I'd feel sorry for? The people on death row. Imagine, you're about to be executed, the governor calls, you think it's your reprieve, and you hear 'Hasta la vista, baby.'

You could do anything in your room at college. You could smoke pot, live in a coed dorm, have a girl. But you couldn't have a . . . hot plate!

American Taliban John Walker Lindh has pleaded guilty to two counts of terrorism and will face twenty years in prison. I guess that means his jihad is on ji-hold.

9% would give up sex for the remote control. 91% has already given up sex for the remote control!

The United States is sending its most powerful drone to Libya. That’s a long trip for Joe Biden.

Scientists think they can now clone an all-white zebra. Now, I'm no expert, but isn't that a horse?

Al Gore has found a new job. He is going to teach journalism at Columbia University, which is ironic isn't it? The guy who did all the coke winds up going to the White House, the guy who didn't do coke goes to Columbia.