What's the difference between Lindsay Lohan and Rick Perry? It only takes Lindsay four and a half hours to finish a sentence.

According to The New York Times, more than half of President Obama's Twitter followers are fake. They don't even exist. Which is actually a good thing because if they did exist there wouldn't be any jobs for them.

I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

A survey asked married women when they most want to have sex. 84 per cent of them said right after their husband is finished.

The Mirror interviewed one of Osama bin Laden's sons and said bin Laden has 42 children. That's going to happen when you sleep in a different cave every night.

I don't know why people are surprised the French don't want to help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France.

Senator John Kerry released his plan today to eliminate the deficit. He said all we have to do is find a really rich country like Switzerland and marry it.