What's the difference between Lindsay Lohan and Rick Perry? It only takes Lindsay four and a half hours to finish a sentence.

According to a survey in this week's Time magazine, 85% of Americans think global warming is happening. The other 15% work for the White House.

Seems there's a big debate going on about whether a new TV commercial for Minute Maid orange juice portrays Popeye and Bluto as gay lovers or just good friends. The commercial shows Popeye and Bluto at the beach and riding a bicycle for two. I don't think that makes them gay. I think the fact they both find Olive Oyl attractive, that makes them gay.

If President Obama really wants to hurt the Syrian government, don't send cruise missiles. He should send over some of his economic advisers.

Never perform for your family. They either laugh too hard or not at all.

The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up.

President Obama was in India yesterday visiting our jobs. Tomorrow he goes to China to visit our money.