Senator John Kerry released his plan today to eliminate the deficit. He said all we have to do is find a really rich country like Switzerland and marry it.

Vice President Joe Biden said today that 'Syria must be held accountable.' Unfortunately, the Obama administration has never employed an accountant, so they have no idea how to do that.

Tomorrow, America's most famous hockey mom, Sarah Palin, will drop the ceremonial first puck at the Philadelphia Flyers game. Right afterwards, she'll get out on the ice and skate around reporters' questions, so it should be interesting.

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like some fries with that?'

Congress voted for tougher laws on corporations. So now when a corporation buys a senator, they need a receipt.

Women get a little more excited about New Year's Eve than men do. It's like an excuse: you drink too much, you make a lot of promises you're not going to keep; the next morning as soon as you wake up you start breaking them. For men, we just call that a date.

Thousands of dead fish have now washed up on shore along the coast of South Carolina. Today the NRA said that this wouldn't have happened if those fish had guns.