Statistics show 50% of the people use the internet. The rest have sex with real people.

It's always bad news when you kill your date

General Colin Powell shocked a lot of people in Washington by speaking out against President Bush's policies, saying that the world is beginning to doubt the moral basis of our fight against terrorism. That's what I think he said - it was hard to hear him because he was being hustled out of the room to his cell in Guantanamo Bay.

The New York Times has had fake stories. CBS has had fake stories. And now Newsweek had a fake story. You realize the only one that hasn't had to print a retraction is the National Inquirer

The other day the plane that Barack Obama was on had some mechanical difficulties and was forced to land. Well, the National Transportation Safety Board did an inspection on the plane, and you know what they found? The bolts on the plane were fine, but apparently Jesse Jackson had taken some of the nuts off.

Paris Hilton got 45 days in jail. A lot of people were upset about this - they were hoping for the death penalty.

It is said that life begins when the fetus can exist apart from its mother. By this definition, many people in Hollywood are legally dead.