President Bush said global warming is happening much quicker than he thought, and then his staff pulled him aside and said 'It's just springtime.'

The difference between Men and Women is that Men love The 3 Stooges, and Women think they're assholes.

The other night, President Bush's press conference was pre-empted by 'American Idol.' You know the difference between President Bush and 'American Idol?' See, on 'American Idol,' the one with the most votes wins.

Go through your phone book, call people and ask them to drive you to the airport. The ones who will drive you are your true friends. The rest aren't bad people; they're just acquaintances.

John Kerry said today that he wants to get rid of tax cuts for the rich and his wife said, 'Hey, shut up! What's the matter with you?! Are you nuts?!'

Rick Perry told reporters this week that he has a permit to carry a concealed handgun. He also has a concealed vocabulary, concealed knowledge of the issues, concealed tolerance.

Last night I went out for Chinese. I picked up a Team USA Olympic uniform.