President Bush said global warming is happening much quicker than he thought, and then his staff pulled him aside and said 'It's just springtime.'

I'm trying to sum up President Obama's first 11 months in office. He gave billions to Wall Street, cracked down on illegal immigrants getting health care, and he's sending 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan. You know something, he may go down in history as our greatest Republican president ever.

Former U.S. House Majority Leader, Tom DeLay, has been sentenced to three years in prison. One year for money laundering and two more for his performance on 'Dancing with the Stars.'

Know what the Taliban leaders like to do for fun? Just sit around and get bombed.

It is day two of the Democratic convention, and apparently they had a huge lighting problem in the convention hall today. They worked all day on it. They still couldn't get President Obama out of Bill Clinton's shadow.

Riding a Ducati is like having sex with an aerobics instructor - you know, I'm exhausted and panting and it's going: 'Are you done, already?'

It is said that life begins when the fetus can exist apart from its mother. By this definition, many people in Hollywood are legally dead.