I think golf is a waste of time and a waste of a sunny afternoon. I also stink at it. I have never found anything, including divorce and a sexual harassment suit, more frustrating.

The first time I watched [Keith] Olbermann, his opening monologue, I completely changed the way I approached my radio show.

What's great about stand-up unlike athletes and other things when you get old you get old and rusty.

Yogi Berra put it best, "If people don't want to come, we can't stop them."

Every imperfection you have as a man makes a sound as it knifes through satin sheets.

Women have it good when it comes to masturbation. Guys, we just have our hands. For the rest of our lives, that's it. Sometimes your friend will go, 'Ever try your left hand? It's like a whole different person.' Yeah, a retarded person.

I hate golf. I do not understand how anyone can enjoy it, much less love it.