If anyone thinks my show was 'pretty good,' then I've completely failed.

I remember I used to go to The Laugh Factory and just goof off onstage, and then I'd see Dane Cook. He did a bit about his Mom making the bed in the summertime when he was a kid. He just said "Vroom!" and threw the sheet up in the air and the sheet would just stay over the bed for like a minute and a half. All he had were his arms out, but I could see the sheet. And he didn't do anything. He just kept it there. And I went, "I have to write more."

I've asked Comedy Central, and they just say, "I don't know." It took Showtime two years to put my special on DVD. Owning your own content is the single most important thing in the world.

I've been doing stand-up 29 years; there is no other career when you're finding your stride 30 years into it.

We all shared this experience. We all had one brain, we were one giant organism working and having joy. "What about Walken?" Sorry, bro...Maybe I should've done an hour and 34 minutes.

I never minded George Steinbrenner spending obscene amounts of money to put the best product on the field.

It's very good to know when you're being lapped on the racetrack, 'cause you've got to put your foot down on the pedal and get going.