You don't really drive in cabs in L.A. unless you're broke or homeless - or if you're broke and driving the cab.

I think stand-up's, the older they get, the better they get.

George Carlin put it best. He said, "My old act was so easy to do because there was so little of me in it."

I'd go back, yeah. I don't care, I got a kid, man - I'll sell tampons. I mean, there's no selling-out once you get a kid. I got a kid.

[Joan Rivers] is fantastic. AND SHE'S 80! There's no 80-year-old pitcher. If you're a running back and you're 28 they're like, "Oh, here he goes, turning the corner on his career, he's on the downswing..."

I was the youngest kid on my street, the youngest comic in the clubs. I always felt like I was playing catch-up. I was very angry.

Whenever I don't feel so well, I always try remind myself of the Siamese twin whose brother is gay, whose boyfriend is coming over...and they share the same asshole.