If there are 1,500 people in a theater and they're all there to see you, there are no other guys. You're the guy. So it is a monastic life, it is very lonely, if I was prone to loneliness. It's a lot like wrestling, no one can throw a block for you, no one can give you a pass. Nobody can hand the ball off to you, it's you only for an hour and a half every night.

I don't know if you've ever been to England, but as soon as they find out you're from America, they hate you. They just think they're more sophisticated than we are. They're so pissed at us. You know what it is? They're mad because they lost the Revolutionary War, and they should be because there was only like nine of us.

I didn't want to fight a guy from England. What if I lose? Not that English guys aren't strong, but who wants to get beat up by a guy with that voice? That's not the most masculine voice to take a beating to.

The jokes were perfect! Then George Carlin started talking about the seven dirty words you can't say on television, then it evolved into social commentary.

My career isn't gonna screetch to a halt because some guy in Westbury filmed ten minutes of the show. "Well, we were gonna give you the sitcom but saw that bit you did about the Mormons in Westbury, so get outta here."

I miss third grade because you could kill people in dodgeball. Remember the rules to dodgeball? If you're fat or have glasses, don't show up because you'll die.

I remember I used to go to The Laugh Factory and just goof off onstage, and then I'd see Dane Cook. He did a bit about his Mom making the bed in the summertime when he was a kid. He just said "Vroom!" and threw the sheet up in the air and the sheet would just stay over the bed for like a minute and a half. All he had were his arms out, but I could see the sheet. And he didn't do anything. He just kept it there. And I went, "I have to write more."