But if applause throws off your timing, then you're not the kind of comedian I would like to see. All you have to do is stand there and take it.

You don't really drive in cabs in L.A. unless you're broke or homeless - or if you're broke and driving the cab.

I think golf is a waste of time and a waste of a sunny afternoon. I also stink at it. I have never found anything, including divorce and a sexual harassment suit, more frustrating.

Unfortunately, there are no mulligans when it comes to pro football contracts.

[George Carlin] was obsessive about time; he was obsessive compulsive about his material and making things shorter and more perfect. He did an HBO hour every other year. It's live; you have to be off-stage at 55 minutes. It's a network; you've got to be off. And it's perfect.

First of all, my wife writes half my act. I don't know how I could "steal" from my wife.

Comedians are always going to be in the showbiz middle class, you're not Brad Pitt; you're never going to be Sam Rockwell or Shia LaBeouf or Leo DiCaprio. You're a comic.