I wonder why there is a designated hitter in baseball after all these years? As an experiment, it seemed like a swell enough idea, but you would think the novelty would have worn off by now and everyone would get back to playing baseball.

I know content-wise I leave nothing to chance. I have no anxiety about what I'm going to do once I'm out on stage.

I think stand-up's, the older they get, the better they get.

We all shared this experience. We all had one brain, we were one giant organism working and having joy. "What about Walken?" Sorry, bro...Maybe I should've done an hour and 34 minutes.

You don't really drive in cabs in L.A. unless you're broke or homeless - or if you're broke and driving the cab.

Women have it good when it comes to masturbation. Guys, we just have our hands. For the rest of our lives, that's it. Sometimes your friend will go, 'Ever try your left hand? It's like a whole different person.' Yeah, a retarded person.

'Christopher Walken' is my "Hotel California," but I've done it so much