I wonder why there is a designated hitter in baseball after all these years? As an experiment, it seemed like a swell enough idea, but you would think the novelty would have worn off by now and everyone would get back to playing baseball.

People that do "bits" and "jokes" or "one-liners" are going by the wayside.

I think I made a mistake once... yeah... it was only once.

Most importantly, how impressive can I be to people that bought tickets, where they never feel, "It was pretty good." If anyone thinks my show was "pretty good," then I've completely failed. I think every comic should think that.

This is NOT a pretty good business. You cannot be pretty good and be a national headliner. That becomes the allure.

I've asked Comedy Central, and they just say, "I don't know." It took Showtime two years to put my special on DVD. Owning your own content is the single most important thing in the world.

You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over? Movie Day.