Long Island always seems to be the hardest place for some reason. There are always excuses. People will say, "Well, there's a lot to do in Long Island..." but you know what, if Jim Gaffigan was here, tickets would be gone a month ago, if Chelsea Handler was at the Barclays Center, gone.

Joan Rivers is 80 and she's fantastic. She lives in mortal fear of not filling that 1,500-seat room.

Every time you talk about politics or religion, know that the moment you open your mouth you're isolating 50% of your audience, in any medium. You're taking 50% of people that'll buy tickets to come see you and you're removing them from the equation.

Every imperfection you have as a man makes a sound as it knifes through satin sheets.

When I'm home I'm in much more of a routine like I said, which I like. On the road everything gets flip-flopped.

I know content-wise I leave nothing to chance. I have no anxiety about what I'm going to do once I'm out on stage.

I wonder why there is a designated hitter in baseball after all these years? As an experiment, it seemed like a swell enough idea, but you would think the novelty would have worn off by now and everyone would get back to playing baseball.