Long Island always seems to be the hardest place for some reason. There are always excuses. People will say, "Well, there's a lot to do in Long Island..." but you know what, if Jim Gaffigan was here, tickets would be gone a month ago, if Chelsea Handler was at the Barclays Center, gone.

When human beings stop progressing at an endeavor, they stop enjoying it and move on to something else. Not golfers. Masochists, all of them.

I'm going to eventually shoot my own special, because you have to own your own content. My Turn (2003), that's never been released on DVD.

Marc Maron's podcast success has nothing to do with my podcast success. If I do a quarter of a million downloads, I can show that to an advertiser as a fact, and that's that.

I didn't want to fight a guy from England. What if I lose? Not that English guys aren't strong, but who wants to get beat up by a guy with that voice? That's not the most masculine voice to take a beating to.

I don't have the ability to do a nine-to-five nor do I have the desire to. Stand-up is the only thing that's come completely naturally to me.

Not everyone likes sports. Gandhi and Malcolm X come to mind.