You don't have to be Willy Loman about it. But, "Airline food is crazy. Hey, what's with these rent-a-cars?" or you go up and talk about how Christopher Walken wanted to know where my dog's tail went. That really happened to me.

Some ladies got the shower massager. Oh, man, you better buy her a diamond 'cause if she got a shower massager, she don't really need you anymore. That shower massager makes a woman shake like a car on bad gas going up a hill.

What's great about stand-up unlike athletes and other things when you get old you get old and rusty.

I'm sure that having acted like an asshole for a great deal of my life, then having played assholes for a good part of my life, created a perception that I'm an asshole.

First of all, my wife writes half my act. I don't know how I could "steal" from my wife.

I wasn't the guy everyone liked. I was the guy that wouldn't shut up.

Not everyone likes sports. Gandhi and Malcolm X come to mind.