Most people when they have autobiographies, they're not autobiographies, they're biographies written by a ghost writer.

I've always said that instead of watching a guy juggle seven things amazingly I would rather see a really bad juggler who's really funny.

I hate the beach - I'm a mountain guy. I'd much rather face a bear than a shark.

The kids who come backstage that have cancer or whatever, make them laugh and smile for a little while, what's the problem with that? There isn't any.

Stand-up comedy is tough right now. Anybody can come to a concert, tape you, and put you up on the Internet. You either fight it or embrace it.

If people are still buying tickets, and still buying the DVDs, and they're still watching on YouTube and my fifteen minutes of fame isn't finished yet, then I'll just keep doing it.

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?