Maybe I'm corny, but I'm a big believer in second chances.

How is it possible that Courtney Love looks worse than Kurt Cobain?

South Park called...they want their everything back.

My best friend is disabled. There's nothing he hates more than being left out of the jokes, to be treated with kid gloves. That's the insult.

Sometimes during my set I invite volunteers up on stage to get speed-roasted and I'm worried that I may have hundreds of people rushing the stage all at once. Luckily I'm a black belt in karate and I can fend them off.

Do you want me to apologize after every joke? If it doesn't offend somebody it's probably not a joke. It's probably an observation that's not funny. It's gotta offend somebody somewhere.

Charlie Sheen is to stand-up what Larry Flynt is to standing up.