Sometimes during my set I invite volunteers up on stage to get speed-roasted and I'm worried that I may have hundreds of people rushing the stage all at once. Luckily I'm a black belt in karate and I can fend them off.

Do you want me to apologize after every joke? If it doesn't offend somebody it's probably not a joke. It's probably an observation that's not funny. It's gotta offend somebody somewhere.

Life is tough, and if we don't laugh, we're going to - our head will explode.

Life is short. You have to be able to laugh at our pain or we never move on.

Charlie Sheen is to stand-up what Larry Flynt is to standing up.

In Boston where community policing is so important, they don't necessarily have to like each other, but they know each other. The cops in Boston make it their business to get out of their vehicles, to engage the public, to walk around the neighborhoods. They live in the community that they police. And I think these things help.

I want the roast to be like a party where everybody goes and has a good time.