The good thing about a jail show is nobody gets up and walks out.

I want the roast to be like a party where everybody goes and has a good time.

With everybody having a Facebook and a Twitter, I feel like regular people consider themselves stars. It's a live, real-time upload of every time we buy a pair of socks, the most telling sign that we're losing our politeness. When you know everything about somebody, you can talk to them any way you please.

Maybe I'm corny, but I'm a big believer in second chances.

Instead of running for President, why don’t you try walking on a treadmill?

Comedians a lot of times we're on the road, we're by our self. We come home to New York to our empty one-bedroom apartment, you know, and we need a place to go where you see a bunch of other miserable people sit around and eat a corned beef sandwich.

I would vote for you for President but I'm against big government.