The good thing about a jail show is nobody gets up and walks out.

I want the roast to be like a party where everybody goes and has a good time.

I had a life experience that most of my - that none of my friends had. I remember I became everybody's rabbi. Everybody who needed advice would talk to me, and it became an obvious thing.

Life is tough, and if we don't laugh, we're going to - our head will explode.

I can't defend someone else's jokes. I can only defend my jokes, and I have to live with my own jokes.

Sometimes during my set I invite volunteers up on stage to get speed-roasted and I'm worried that I may have hundreds of people rushing the stage all at once. Luckily I'm a black belt in karate and I can fend them off.

Charlie Sheen is to stand-up what Larry Flynt is to standing up.