A lot of girls annoy me who go to university - one girl told me she was going to Oxford because it was something to do between leaving school and getting married. And I've got to pay for that being an income tax payer.

In most betting shops you will see three windows marked 'Bet Here', but only one window with the legend 'Pay Out'.

A lot of girls annoy me who go to university - one girl told me she was going to Oxford because it was something to do between leaving school and getting married. And I've got to pay for that being an income tax payer.

My misdeeds are accidental happenings and merely the result of having been in the wrong bar or bed at the wrong time, say most days between midday and midnight.

I have been commissioned to write an autobiography and I would be grateful to any of your readers who could tell me what I was doing between 1960 and 1974.

There's nothing undignified about lying about all day and being waited on by servants, sipping bloody champagne.

Oh, to me not drinking is like being dead, almost. I sit here taking endless journeys down memory lane. It gets boring.