I've determined the ideal job for me is one where I can write clever essays about my life and my employer will give me enough money not only to live a comfortable existence, but also to buy many, many new pairs of shoes.

Owning a dog is slightly less expensive than being addicted to crack.

This is terrific! What fun! Maybe tomorrow I can go to the prom with my brother. The day after, perhaps I can wear white pants and unexpectedly get my period.

When did the cell phone become a license to be rude? And why must I be subjected to your personal conversations?

I'm very detail oriented. I think that's why people enjoy my memoirs - because I tend to remember everything.

I'm a humor writer, so I don't always present myself in the best light.

I still believe in the Holy Trinity, except now it's Target, Trader Joe's, and IKEA.