You think you're so cool just because you can walk!

Amen,' I exclaim, accidentally spitting out a Raisinet. I pick up the chocolate with a Kleenex and stuff it in my purse. Ten bucks says a month from now I'll have forgotten about it and will finally have said heart attack when I assume a rat shat in there.

I never ever, ever say anything against my husband to anyone except my husband. Everyone gets in fights, and I think the natural propensity for women is, 'Oh I want to talk to someone.' But the minute you take what bothers you outside the bond between you and your husband, you let someone else into the relationship and that causes a wedge.

I still believe in the Holy Trinity, except now it's Target, Trader Joe's, and IKEA.

You think you're so cool just because you can walk!

You know what it was like? It was like thinking I was heading to a surprise party and instead it was a surprise pap smear.

I never sleep on the plane. I have to be awake and using my mind power to keep it in the air