I still believe in the Holy Trinity, except now it's Target, Trader Joe's, and IKEA.

I yearn to be a woman of more depth, but I'm not so fond of the path I'd need to follow to get there.

I've always been able to cook Italian food. That's in my blood because I'm half Sicilian.

For the record? I have never been her baby. In fact, I reject the notion of coming out of her body. I prefer to believe I was hatched, or perhaps purchased.

In real life, I tend to yell at people a lot. Not because I'm bossy or mean, but because I'm frustrated.

Maybe I've moved to the dark side, but it's clean and nice and we never run out of toilet paper.

I’m busy sorting through our new collection of rhinestone jewelry. Should anyone be in the market for sparkly accessories the size of a hubcap, this is the place to get them. Earlier today, a customer picked up one of the enormous chandelier-style offerings and asked, 'Do those be genuine rhimestones?' I couldn’t even begin to explain everything that was wrong with her sentence, so I simply replied, 'Yes. They do be genuine.