When I was in junior high I read a lot of Danielle Steele. So I always assumed that the day I got engaged I'd be naked, covered in rose petals, and sleeping with the brother of the man who'd kidnapped me.

I picked up the phone to call the police, but then I considered how it would sound when I told them that I was calling from inside my bathroom, where I’d OD’ed on laxatives, and that a possible rapist was quietly passing me notes under the bathroom door.

Knock-knock, motherfucker.

Have you ever been homesick for someplace that doesn't actually exist anymore? Someplace that exists only in your mind?

A house should look lived in, and I consider it clean as long as I don't stick to it and it doesn't give me cholera.

A hug is like a strangle you haven't finished yet.

One ox, two oxen. One fox, two foxen.