I don't want to be remembered. I want the nice words when I can hear them.

Adrenaline is wonderful. It covers pain. It covers dementia. It covers everything.

I get paid for what most kids get punished for.

Don't give me paper - I can get the same lawyer who drew it up to break it. But if you shake my hand, that's for life.

You may catch more flies with honey than vinegar, but you'll get them to work harder if you use a flyswatter.

Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.

I have some very personal feelings about politics, but I don't get into it because I do comedy already.