Anyone who would laugh at a recital is probably some sort of lunatic anyway. I mean, only a sick, twisted mind could be that rude and ignorant.

There's no downside to fame and people who whine about it make me sick. It's the greatest thing in the world.

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.

I love how you just make coffee and then somehow something gets done.

Let's face it: a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job interview is: not many job-interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it.

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!