Anyone who would laugh at a recital is probably some sort of lunatic anyway. I mean, only a sick, twisted mind could be that rude and ignorant.

The toughest nights when I was a young, unknown comedian were opening for these real old-time Italian singers. I'm like Grace Jones to them. "This guy is nuts-talking about socks. Where's the wife jokes, where's the fat jokes?"

Folks who go through the tabloids ought to have to be lied to.

You can tell what was the best year of your father's life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.

I like staying in hotels. I like their tiny soap. I like to pretend it's regular-sized and my muscles are huge.

One day I was watching these construction workers go back to work. I was watching them kind of trudging down the street. It was like a revelation to me. I realized these guys don’t want to go back to work after lunch. But they’re going. That’s their job. If they can exhibit that level of dedication for that job I should be able to do the same. Trudge your ass in.

But I don't want to be a pirate!