What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they're trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?

When someone does a small task beautifully, their whole environment is affected by it.

Folks who go through the tabloids ought to have to be lied to.

All I ever wanted to do is make people laugh.

There is no more embarrassing thing in my life than the fact that I have actually uttered the phrase, 'I would like to order the Ginsu Knife.'

If people would only look to the cookie, all our problems would be solved.

Well, sometimes we do actually have to get up early, but a man will always trade sleep for sex.