What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they're trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?

What's with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had hemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter.

The human body is like a condominium. The thing that keeps you from really enjoying it is the maintenance.

Why would anybody want a friend?

After you get a job and before you have to do it. Nothing beats that.

All magic is 'Here’s a quarter, now it’s gone. You’re a jerk. Now it’s back. You’re an idiot. Show’s over.'

That's the most comfortable place for me. In the beginning, yes, I was nervous going on stage. I was not a natural performer. I really had to acquire that skill.