What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they're trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?

What I don't understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders.

When you interrupt, you've stopped listening. People need to be heard.

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.

You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world, 'I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

See, the thing of it is, there's a lot of ugly people out there walking around but they don't know they're ugly because nobody actually tells them.