I had a parakeet that used to fly around the house and crash into these huge mirrors my mother put in. Ever heard of this interior design principle, that a mirror makes it seem like you have an entire other room? What kind of jerk walks up to a mirror and goes, Hey look, there's a whole other room in there. There's a guy that looks just like me in there.

I like to try anything... You have to do the experiments to find out what the formulas are.

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

Introducing 'Lite': the new way to spell 'Light'; but with twenty per cent fewer letters.

Why is McDonalds still counting? How insecure is this company? 40 million, 80 billion million jillion killion tillion... who cares? Is anyone really impressed by that any more? Ooh, 89 billion sold? All right, I'll have one! I'm satisfied! I'd like to tell the CEO of McDonalds, "Look. We all get it, okay? You've sold a lot of hamburgers. Whatever the number is, just put up a sign, 'McDonalds: We're Doing Very Well.' We are tired of hearing about every goddamn one of them."