I'll tell you one thing, since I'm married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.

We're all trying to get to the same island — whether you swim, fly, surf, or skydive, it doesn't matter. What matters is when the red light goes on.

I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating me.

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

You know why dogs have no money? No pockets. 'Cause they see change on the street all the time and it's driving them crazy. When you're walking them, he is always looking up at you. "There's a quarter...."

I like staying in hotels. I like their tiny soap. I like to pretend it's regular-sized and my muscles are huge.

People don't think of their office as a workplace anymore. They think of it as a stationary store with Danish. You want to get your pastry, your envelopes, your supplies, your toilet paper, six cups of coffee, and you go home.