I'll tell you one thing, since I'm married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.

I only do a show when there's somebody I want to talk to.

I don't return fruit. Fruit's a gamble. I know that going in.

All magic is 'Here’s a quarter, now it’s gone. You’re a jerk. Now it’s back. You’re an idiot. Show’s over.'

Have you ever seen that guy who has the record for fattest man in the world? Bob Hughes, the fattest man in the world... 1400 pounds. Ladies and gentlemen, the man has let himself go.

After you get a job and before you have to do it. Nothing beats that.

I'll tell you what I like about Chinese people: they're hanging in there with the chop sticks, aren't they? You know they've seen the fork. They're staying with the sticks.