I can't go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?

There are many things you can point to as proof that the human is not smart. But my personal favorite would have to be that we needed to invent the helmet. What was happening, apparently, was that we were involved in a lot of activities that were cracking our heads. We chose not to avoid doing those activities but, instead, to come up with some sort of device to help us enjoy our head-cracking lifestyles.

Twitter is good. Why say a lot to a few people when you can say virtually nothing to everyone?

In my world, the wronger something feels, the righter it is.

You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.

The best piece of advice I received before I got married was, "Be careful what you say when you're in a fight, because it could stick in someone's head." I don't think I've ever said anything I really regretted. I'm very sympathetic to women. I've really studied wife-ology, and I know you've got to figure out the feelings. Deal with the feelings.

When you interrupt, you've stopped listening. People need to be heard.