I can't go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?

The human body is like a condominium. The thing that keeps you from really enjoying it is the maintenance.

Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?

When men are growing up and they're reading about Batman, Spiderman, Superman ... those are not fantasies ... they're options.

You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

If professional wrestling did not exist, could you come up with this idea? Could you envision the popularity of huge men in tiny bathing suits, pretending to fight?