The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn't have that kind of personality, and it's a terrifying thing to say.

I do not know why anyone would host an awards show. No matter how unbelievably well you do at it, the only thing that can happen is you get asked again to host an awards show.

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.

I'll tell you what I like about Chinese people: they're hanging in there with the chop sticks, aren't they? You know they've seen the fork. They're staying with the sticks.

I always did well on the essay questions. Just put everything you know on there, maybe you'll hit it.

Men, as an organization, are getting more women than any other group working anywhere in the world. Wherever women are, we have men looking into it.

And I'll tell ya, I'm really enjoying this marriage thing. You think about each other. You care about each other. It's wonderful! Plus, I love saying 'my wife.' Once I started saying it, I couldn't stop - 'my wife' this, 'my wife' that...it's an amazing way to begin a sentence.