Let's face it: a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job interview is: not many job-interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it.

Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.

I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide.

I prefer the old theaters because the audience is... trapped.

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

I am freaking out! I am freaking out, man!

If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.