I'm in the unfortunate position of having to consider other people's feelings

I like any cereal. I like the idea of just eating and drinking with one hand without looking.

Isn't it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did THAT happen? Did some cattleman once say, "Oh, man, I can't wait till them calves are done so I can get ME a hit of that stuff."

I mean, she's giving and caring and genuinely concerned about the welfare of others. I can't be with someone like that.

All magic is 'Here’s a quarter, now it’s gone. You’re a jerk. Now it’s back. You’re an idiot. Show’s over.'

I was the best man at the wedding... If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?

You know why dogs have no money? No pockets. 'Cause they see change on the street all the time and it's driving them crazy. When you're walking them, he is always looking up at you. "There's a quarter...."