There are many things you can point to as proof that the human is not smart. But my personal favorite would have to be that we needed to invent the helmet. What was happening, apparently, was that we were involved in a lot of activities that were cracking our heads. We chose not to avoid doing those activities but, instead, to come up with some sort of device to help us enjoy our head-cracking lifestyles.

Boy, I miss the days they made toys that could kill a kid.

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death.

If people would only look to the cookie, all our problems would be solved.

I had a parakeet that used to fly around the house and crash into these huge mirrors my mother put in. Ever heard of this interior design principle, that a mirror makes it seem like you have an entire other room? What kind of jerk walks up to a mirror and goes, Hey look, there's a whole other room in there. There's a guy that looks just like me in there.

Having a 2 year old is like having a blender that you don't have the top for.