Our good time is sitting in a coffee shop with a newspaper, writing a line on the back of a napkin. That is the most fun comedians ever have

You can tell what was the best year of your father's life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.

The human body is like a condominium. The thing that keeps you from really enjoying it is the maintenance.

Why would anybody want a friend?

So the first time you hear the concept of Halloween when you're a kid your brain can't even process the information. You're like: "What is this? What did you say?" "What did you say about giving out candy? Who's giving out candy?" "Everyone that we know is just giving out candy!"

Responsible, who wants to be responsible? Whenever something bad happens, it's always, who's responsible for this?

Have you ever seen that guy who has the record for fattest man in the world? Bob Hughes, the fattest man in the world... 1400 pounds. Ladies and gentlemen, the man has let himself go.