Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

I'll tell you one thing, since I'm married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.

You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'

I have a problem with that silver medal. It's like, 'Congratulation s, you almost won. Of all the losers, you're the number one loser. No one lost ahead of you.'

People should get married because they have finally seen the folly of being single: "Oh, this is all just kind of a bad magic trick. I just keep bending over to reach for this wallet on a string. How much longer am I gonna do that?"