People should get married because they have finally seen the folly of being single: "Oh, this is all just kind of a bad magic trick. I just keep bending over to reach for this wallet on a string. How much longer am I gonna do that?"

There's no downside to fame and people who whine about it make me sick. It's the greatest thing in the world.

I have a problem with the strip that runs along the bottom of the news programs. Don't these idiots who run the news programs know we don't want to read? That's why we're watching TV.

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Airline hostesses show you how to use a seatbelt in case you haven't been in a car since 1965.

Can't you at least die with a little dignity?