What's the point of dating without games? How do you know if you're winning or losing?

I like definitive things.

I do not know why anyone would host an awards show. No matter how unbelievably well you do at it, the only thing that can happen is you get asked again to host an awards show.

If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach?

Festivus for the Restivus!

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

I wrote an article on a new Porsche for 'Automobile Magazine.' I knew the editor, and she asked me to write this article. So I'm more proud of that than anything.