I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night?

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

Keep your head up in failure and your head down in success.

The best piece of advice I received before I got married was, "Be careful what you say when you're in a fight, because it could stick in someone's head." I don't think I've ever said anything I really regretted. I'm very sympathetic to women. I've really studied wife-ology, and I know you've got to figure out the feelings. Deal with the feelings.

The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn't have that kind of personality, and it's a terrifying thing to say.

To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.