I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

We got the hot fudge on the bottom.... that allows you to control the fudge distribution while you're eating your ice cream.

Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.

That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.

It's hard to do nothing because you tend to do something and then you have to drop everything.

Can't you at least die with a little dignity?

I love the day date. No wine, no shower.