Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.

Elaine: Ugh, I hate people. Jerry: Yeah, they're the worst.

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

Cry when you get a Golden Globe. Then you can get an Oscar nomination.

I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide.

Having fun is a very particular skill. And not everyone has that skill.