I realized, in removing or rewriting these jokes, that often the jokes weren't done or that I was using, for me, the curse words as kind of a crutch. So then I just started writing.

Bacon is like the opposite of medicine. It's like, "Take that, Lipitor."

I don't know what's more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you're doing.

That's not to say that I'm a well-informed Catholic. I'm still in idiot.

After you eat a Hot Pocket, Everything will taste like rubber for a month!

I think when I started doing stand-up, that's when I really tried to question everything in my belief system which is - I think a pretty important part of being a comedian is really questioning things.

Nursery schools and bars at 2 a.m. are the only places where it is completely normal if someone just spontaneously throws up on the floor...and just like a toddler, the bar patron wakes up the next day not remembering or caring how they behaved.